Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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