You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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