He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize