lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
