I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
