this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
