hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
