i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
