if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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