and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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