Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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