There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
