You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
