I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
