this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have already put on my inside pants.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
