Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we're making bets on your personal life
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize