I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
