i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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