Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
