I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize