My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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