Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
