You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
