I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I need a burrito and a hug.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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