she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
