Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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