If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
