Where is the hickey?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
