YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
