I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize