Im at strip club and am horny
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
