you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
