My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
4 words: hood of his car
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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