you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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