so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
