The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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