Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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