i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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