I wish my penis had an off switch
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
