I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize