I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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