bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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