This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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