Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wish my penis had a tongue
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
