I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize