i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
