Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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