i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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