he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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