I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
