Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
