i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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