Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
