I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
