Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
