Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
