I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
