My underwear smells like fireworks.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
