Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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