Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize