i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize