Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
