Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
