That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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