its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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