My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize