Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
