At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
