the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
